Who's the Boss of Your Family?

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Dr. Richard B. Miller the Director of the School and Family Life at Brigham Young University illustrates some issues regarding power that start at the root of a lot of family problems. I am going to talk about a few.

I love the hierarchy of a family. Parents, as a unit of husband and wife, combine their efforts as the leaders of the home. Dr. Richard B. Miller said, “As with any other leadership position, parents should not be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow that leadership.” I love this teaching because I think that this is a teaching that is sort of becoming unpopular. I have heard, from my peers, countless times when their children are called their little boyfriend or little girlfriend. I have seen my friends let their children do whatever they want because they are scared of the consequences of parenting.

I have a close relative that is having this problem now with her 28 year old son. This son has caused her some heartache in her life. He dropped out of college and went back multiple times only to drop out or fail out again and again. This is in large part due to his addiction to alcohol, drugs, and consistent marijuana usage. This has been frustrating for her and her husband as they have bailed him out time and time again with money, food, shelter and even bailing him out of jail for his second DUI. This were hard for them but they stayed strong and loved this son so much so that he always knew he had people that love him and people that will be there for him. Well, unfortunately he uses this to his advantage now. He uses their intense desire to make him feel love and acceptance that he stomps all over them and gets whatever he wants. Now, he is 28 years old, living at home again, jobless, doesn’t pay for anything, gets rides everywhere, gets meals made for him and basically gets treated like a king. All the while he continues his bad habits. But, the purpose of him moving back home was to help him get back on his feet and to stop drinking and smoking. This woman and her husband have reached the point of severe frustration with this son but they are too scared to talk to him because they don’t want him to be mad at them. That is a red flag. A parent is someone who parents their children, not someone who tiptoes around to maintain a friendship with them.

Next, the marital relationship should be a partnership. Dr. Miller states that, “Husbands and wives are equal.” I love this as he explains that husbands and wives are equal and yet they both have very different roles in the family. These roles are complimentary and complete the family in a very necessary way. This partnership and division of roles and goals make for a happy life. I recently had the chance to go visit my grandpa who lives out of state. I went with my husband and baby to check up on him because I hadn’t been out since my grandmother passed a few years ago. I was surprised at the little things around the house that were dirty or left undone. It is no fault of my grandfathers. I don’t think he’s ever had to do some of the housework. My grandma was very particular and kept a very tidy home. It wasn’t messy but it was dirty. Layers of dirty scum and dust on the counter tops, stinky rags in the sink, dried up food on the stove, etc. I realized then that my grandpa never had to worry about this before. My grandma took care of him at home. She led the home on a day to day basis while my grandpa went out and provided for them. They had a great give and take in their relationship and now that she is gone he is having a hard time adjusting to that.

I think the greatest lesson that I have learned is that husbands and wives will ultimately end up together in the eternities. I am sealed to my husband forever. It will be us. He is my person. We are a companionship, a team, a unit and the leaders of our home. Together we make an incredible team but the trick is that we need each other to make the teamwork. I know that this concept is true. I know that we are all meant to have our person.