Married To My Best Friend

Marriage gives a sense of meaning.

Every marriage has highs and every marriage has lows. Every partner makes mistakes but not every partner regrets it or apologizes for those mistakes. Dr. John Gottman said that the strongest marriages are built on partners that both have a sense of meaning. This means that the couple supports each others aspirations. This means that the two people in the marriage are friends. Perhaps they are even best friends.

Dr. John Gottman illustrates some common myths that are supposedly the causes of failed marriages. A couple of these myths stuck out to me.

In my marriage I thought that reciprocity was a great thing. I thought that it was expected. I thought it was needed for relationship to succeed. It wasn’t until my eyes were opened, and Dr. Gottman debunked the myth, that I realized that reciprocity is not such a great thing after all. Reciprocity is actually keeping tabs on things. If the individuals in a marriage are happy they should just show each other, they should not have to keep tabs on the good deeds. The idea of you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours is flawed. A happy marriage means that nice things are done because the individuals are happy. Although in my marriage, my husband and I do keep track of back scratches. We’re suckers for back scratches.

Another myth that he talked about was that avoiding conflict ruins marriages. When, in fact, the truth is that conflict is good for marriages. Sure, there are plenty of different ways that conflict can be handled. If it is handled poorly it could be detrimental to marriages but if it is handled well it builds marriages. When I was first married I remember thinking that I never wanted to rock the boat. I loved him and I didn’t want to do or say anything that popped our newlywed bubble. It wasn’t until something started to bother me. It started to fester and eat me alive. It was making me feel bad. It wasn’t a big deal, or at least probably not to most people. It wasn’t a big deal to me until about three months into our marriage. I confronted him about it and not to my surprise he was a little upset and to my surprise he was super apologetic. We talked through our differences on the matter and we came up with a solution that worked for both of us. I realized that if I hadn’t ever said anything to him I would have let that build up and either explode at him or be extremely unhappy. I was so happy that I learned that principle just three months into my marriage. Conflict, if handled correctly, builds happy and successful marriages.

I share these myths with you because it illustrates the point that there are plenty of excuses and ways to place blame for failed marriages or even marriages on the rocks. However, Gottman’s big push and major teaching is that a marriage built on a strong friendship is the optimal situation for success.

Friendship and a sense of meaning are the foundation to healthy and happy marriages. I married my best friend. I married a man that I first saw as a friend, only a friend. In fact, don’t tell him this but, I never saw a romantic future with my husband. I always thought he was nice and thoughtful. He was easy to talk to and fun to be around. However, I didn’t feel those butterfly feelings or experience flirtatious fumbling. I saw him as a friend. It wasn’t until he started to pursue me. I got scared. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and I didn’t want to lose a good friend. He was so persistent. I tried to let him off easy on multiple occasions after dozens of bouquets and countless phone calls. I finally realized, after weeks of attempts to take our friendship to the next level, that he was my best friend. He was the person I wanted to call in the good and the bad. He was the person that I thought of morning, noon and night. He was my person. That was how our romantic relationship started. He started as my best friend.