THE IN-LAWS...

IN-LAWS        

I’ll be the first to admit that finding a good and balanced relationship with in-laws is a lot harder than it would seem. When I first started dating my husband I really liked my in-laws a lot. They were very welcoming and nice to me as I was slowly introduced to their family. I loved the way his mom seemed so interested in me and seemed to really be in touch with her son and be a rock in his life. To me they seemed, simply put, legit. Now, fast-forward to years later after being married and having a baby and, to put it bluntly, they aren’t quite as legit as I thought not because they have changed but because we have. Our priorities have shifted and theirs have remained the same. Our expectations and priorities have switched and theirs are the same. That may sound harsh. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I love my in-laws. I think that they are fun and that they love us but I guess I didn’t realize that they expect us to be around all of the time and they don’t care quite as much as I originally thought.

*I don’t want this post to be a bash on my in-laws. The purpose of this story is to illustrate that perceptions can change and that as situations change, relationships change and adaption is necessary.

When we got married our relationship changed a bit. I was surprised by how often it was expected of us to be at family functions and not just immediate family but at every extended family function that happens once a month. I wasn’t prepared for it. My mother-in-law would call me at least twice a week to confirm our plans for that week and when we were going to see each other when sometimes all we really wanted to do was stay at home in our pj’s and watch shows all day. Then, when we had our first child things really had to change. We were still expected to be at everything so we did our best but would have to leave early or come late or only stay for a short while and that really made her upset. She wanted us to commit to the family even when our own family was suffering for it. I know that all she wants is to have us close and to be included in family things but even when we tried to explain to her that we couldn’t come she would “solve” our problems and “force” us to come every time. This was exhausting after a while so I had to have a talk with my husband. This is when we had to start having hard and fast rules.

James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen, writers of Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World” talk about a concept called enmeshment. This process is basically when parents and children feel the need to be together. This seems to perfectly describe my mother-in-law. I don’t blame her for wanting to be with her children but we haven’t learned how to navigate our relationship yet.

RULES

In order to help navigate our relationship we had to create rules. Some of the rules that my husband and I set are; Saturdays are for our small family only, we cannot come to every extended family dinner but we’ll try to make it every couple of months, it’s okay to say no to things if we don’t want to go, etc. We made the rules focusing more on separating our time from them. My mother-in-law thinks that time spent together is the most important thing even if no one is talking. If we are in the same room it is a win in her eyes. This bothered me. I wanted to go to things and have it mean something. I didn’t want to be guilt tripped into going to everything to have people look at their phones and go over to the neighbors to chat. We wanted our times together to mean something.

Harper and Olsen said, “For example, some parents insist that their married children live close by and expect that the entire clan get together weekly or sometimes daily for a dinner, family prayer, or family home evening. While there is nothing inherently wrong in this, if extended families are unable to create enough flexibility for a married couple to choose not to attend such activities, the result is often lowered marital satisfaction for the couple.” This is the perfect description of what we are dealing with. There isn’t anything wrong with their desires but the flexibility and understanding is missing and is therefore hurting us as the only married children in the family.

I know that I can’t be the only person out there that has had to deal with this especially if there is an entire chapter of book written about it. However, the best advice I can give and Harper and Olsen give is accept each other’s differences.

-Accept that married children are their own unit.

-Accept that things are different now.

-Accept that children can’t be at everything.

-Accept that you won’t always understand your in-laws.

Simply accept each other’s differences and respect the institution of marriage even when it is young.

I feel so strongly that young married couples need time to find their identity as a couple. They need their own space and their own time to create their life and family together. In Genesis we read, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”