Lowering My Expectations

0

  No vote

In the wise words of Sister Marjorie Hinckley, "I lowered my expectations."

At one point in my very new marriage I had a self-realization that I held my husband to a standard that even the most perfect husband could not achieve. I learned that I needed to lower my expectations and cut the guy some slack. Why was I being so hard on him? Why did I have to consistently be tweaking things he did to the way I liked it? We had just had our new little boy and my life felt like it was spiraling out of control at times. I attribute that to the insane lack of sleep and the stress of learning to breast-feed. It seemed like our conversations had slipped into me asking him to be more attentive and better to me because from my perspective I felt neglected, anxious, and helpless in this new motherhood state. Poor guy, I was probably not that fun to come home to.

One day we decided to talk it through. It seemed like I was always slightly upset about something he had done and it wasn’t fun for me and especially it wasn’t fun for him. I told him that I realized I expected him to read my mind and to be the perfect human without flaws and with endless energy to do everything that I needed. I expected him to cater to my every need in this new state and when it didn’t happen I had a chip on my shoulder because I just had his baby. The worst part? He was so sweet. He took every criticism, every venting session, every complaint and said he would be better and apologized. If that doesn’t break your heart I don’t know what will. After the first month had passed I started figuring things out. I didn’t feel so helpless and I realized that this little human wasn’t so intimidating after all. Plus, I think I was sleeping more. I’m sure my post partum hormones started equalizing a little bit and I felt more in control. I’m sure all of these changing circumstances helped but the number one thing that helped me was to lower my expectations.

It was as if I had put on a new pair of glasses and I saw the world in such a beautiful and simple way. I saw everything that he did for me and it was so sweet. I saw everything he didn’t do for me but I was understanding because of his long work days and even longer school nights. I saw him trying and that made me feel loved beyond anything I had ever felt.

I’ll be honest, that month of our marriage we were out of sync and neither of us liked it. I take full responsibility. I know that it was me that held him to a standard that was unattainable but it was something that I thought was necessary as I constantly held my suckling babe while barely have time to eat, shower and go to the bathroom.

When I lowered my expectations I was able to see my husband better. I was able to see my best friend and the man that I fell in love with. He was still there. We were both just hiding under an intense amount of stress.

Now, this story may sound heavy and in the moment it was but now I see it as a faint blurb on our marriage timeline. However, this, now faint, blurb taught me the most important lesson I have ever learned in my marriage. Lower your expectations and when you do your fondness and admiration will come shining through.

Dr. John Gottman says that fondness and admiration are the antidote to contempt in any relationship. When I lowered my expectations I remember that I have a loving husband that does so much for me. I saw him do the little things and even if they weren’t done “right” I was always grateful for the effort. I appreciated him. I admired him.

Elder Joe J. Christensen, of the LDS church said, “Avoid ‘ceaseless pinpricking.’ Don’t be too critical of each other’s faults. Recognize that none of us is perfect.”

I recognize that my spouse isn’t perfect; I probably recognize that a little too well. However, he is perfect for me. He gets me. He knows me. He wants me to be happy. He cares for me. He is fond of me and he admires me. He does so by imperfectly showing me everyday. I love him. I admire him and I am fond of him. It is our fondness and admiration for each other that got us through a month of chaos and change. It is our fondness and admiration for each other that resolves our worries and puts us on a better track. It is our fondness and admiration each other that keeps our marriage alive, happy and well.