Every Marriage has Poop


THE MARRIAGE POOP DETECTOR

I’ve always thought that I’ve held my husband to a standard that was too high and unrealistic. I’ll be honest, I feel bad about it and consistently feel like I should lower them so I’m not let down. However, my husband always loves when I share my expectations with him so that he can better help me and our family the way that I feel is necessary. I was baffled when I had this realization. Now, we share our expectations with each other in almost every part of marriage and overall lives. This has really been a game changer for us and we both feel like we have a happier and more fulfilled relationship. Dr. John Gottman says, “People with higher expectations of marriage had the highest quality of marriage.” Gottman gives this a detector; it’s called the marriage poop detector.

The theory is this, does something smell like poop or in other words, is something wrong? If something seems wrong, if it seems like there is poop, figure out what it is! There are no sweeping things under the rug in a marriage. It is proven that by lowering expectations the marriage actually suffers.

THE MARRIAGE SWEET SPOT

I personally think that marriage has a sweet spot. It’s a mutually understood love and respect for the other person, while also making sure you feel happy and fulfilled. I believed that I needed to tip toe around problems when I first got married. I thought they would go away magically or I thought that I was going to have to deal with the issue because that is who I married. Wrong! In fact, marriage is a constant give, take, and check. When you figure out how you find your marital sweet spot it is magical.

My husband and I have developed an understanding of how to communicate our feelings to each other in a loving and non-threatening way. We’ve found our sweet spot. We know that we are both safe here and we can communicate to each other what we need and how we can be better for each other. Our marriage has never been stronger than when we found out how we operate to find that spot.

BE UNDERSTANDING AND BE FORGIVING

Dr. Gottman also says that there is no such thing as constructive criticism. Be loving and understanding and forgiving of your partner. All things that we hope our partners would be toward us. They are human beings who make mistakes and who have weird quirks and even odd opinions sometimes. Being critical isn’t the answer. Being open and communicative is the answer. Being understanding toward the ones we love can make all the different. Speaking to them in a loving and kind way instead of critical is a demonstration of our love.

Dr. Goddard said, “The answer is: charity.” It is as simple as that. The answer is charity. Be charitable to yourself and be charitable to your partner. No one should feel like they are suffering in their marriage. It is supposed to be a place of safety, happiness, and security.



References

Gottman, John Mordechai.Silver, Nan. (1999) The seven principles for making marriage work /New York : Crown Publishers

Goddard, H. W., PhD. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

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